


Blown Away

by LadyOfTheOldWorld



Series: Children of Agni [5]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: F/F, F/M, Homecoming, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-10-26 19:00:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10792812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyOfTheOldWorld/pseuds/LadyOfTheOldWorld
Summary: When she comes backto her prisonhome after almost four years in a mental institution, Azula can't help but wish it had all remained in ashes.- - - -Rated for themes.





	Blown Away

**Author's Note:**

> Nothing is mine but Zhuo and the plot, while Yue belongs to my best friend. Takes place almost four years after the beginning of "Twisted, Messed Up." First person, from Azula's p.o.v. Title and lyrics at the bottom come from the song "Blown Away," by Carrie Underwood.

I stared up at the rebuilt mansion, and couldn't help feeling a large measure of bitterness. Why couldn't things just stay buried? But, I reluctantly admitted, this was my Father we were talking about here. Ozai Agni could never leave well enough alone, even when he had been figuratively smacked in the face with something. So long as it benefited him, it didn't matter what anyone else may have thought – not even his own children. A cold wind blew, knifing through the black jean jacket I wore like a real knife through warm butter; only, I wasn't warm in the slightest. I was broken from my thoughts by a large, warm hand landing awkwardly on my shoulder, and my entire body tensed like a coiled spring. I (had?) hated being touched, especially off guard. But I allowed (forced?) myself to relax, when I realized who had dared to touch me. Of course, the last time this had happened… It hadn't ended nearly as calmly. Especially not considering our current company.

* * *

 

_Four Years Ago_

_The screams of the fight echoed through the mansion, but it wasn't anything the neighbors weren't used to, by that time. There was always screaming of some sort or another coming from our home. In the end, we three – Mai, Ty Lee, and I – had ended up out on the porch. Mai was finally expressing emotion, and myself… I didn't even know why I'm so angry, just that I was, that I wanted her to hurt. Of course, before I could do anything, my stupid brother stopped me, his hand large enough to encompass my boney (no, lean, I told myself; I was lean and powerful, not so skinny that my bones could be seen and felt) shoulder completely. Fueled by rage I didn't understand, I turned on him. Though I managed to land a blow that would undoubtedly bruise, and a few others that did less damage, Mai, the stupid bitch, stopped me before I could do anymore damage._

_I spat in Zuko's face, sneering at him. "So, you need a_ girl _to save you? I always knew you were_ weak _and_ pathetic _, but this takes the cake,_ dear _brother!"_

_Zuzu growled in response, and I think he would have hit me, had Mai not stopped him. Her words were sharp, but not unkind. "Go inside, Zuko. Ty Lee and I can handle her."_

_He seemed reluctant, but in the end he obeyed, leaving me alone with Mai and Ty Lee once more. Speaking of the pink brat, she was looking very concerned as she gazed between Mai and I, especially once I wrenched myself out of the emotionless bitch's grip. Swinging around with much less precision and control than I usually executed all my movements with, martial or otherwise, I glared at Mai. I allowed the silence to become good and thick, before I finally demanded answers._

" _Why? Why did you stop me? Because he's your stupid_ boyfriend _?" It felt like my sneer was permanently etched onto my face, by that time. Not like they deserved any better, but still…_

 _Mai simply gazed at me, her face expressionless as usual. For a long moment, I thought that she wasn't going to answer me. Just when I was about ready to scream at her again – demand answers in a much less collected fashion – she finally spoke. She was calm, and cool as always; it_ infuriated _me._

" _I guess... you just don't know people, as well as you think you do." She even had the audacity to inject a touch of disdain in her words. Disdain – for_ me _! Who did this girl think she was?! Without my friendship her father would still have been a small-time business man, someone my Father wouldn't even look at once, let alone twice or consider for a business contract! Then she continued, obviously either ignorant of my smoldering rage, or not caring about it. I didn't know which served to further enrage me more, but both certainly did._

" _You_ miscalculated _. I love_ Zuko _, more than I fear_ you _."_

 _It seemed I stood corrected; that comment inflamed my anger the most of all. The next few moments were nothing more than a frenzied blur. I think I replied to Mai – something along the lines of "You should've feared me_ more _!" or such – and then I lunged to attack her. But suddenly, I couldn't move, and found myself crashing to the ground. For one sickening moment, I had no idea what had happened. Then I realized it, and with nauseating certainty at that._ Ty Lee _. Ty Lee and her_ stupid _Aikido (she always_ had _to be_ different _, didn't she?) had taken me down. No – she hadn't just taken me down. She, along with Mai, had_ betrayed _me._

 _And all for_ Zuzu _._

 _It made me_ sick _._

 _He just_ had _to take_ everything _from me, didn't he? First Mother and her love, then any chance at having Uncle see me as anything other than crazy, and now two of my only friends - my_ best friends _\- too. That was one of the few moments I hated him enough to want to kill him. But instead, I just forced myself to work through the pain Ty Lee had just caused me (physically, of course, since anything else would imply that I had actually cared for her) to get back up. They probably thought I was crazy, but it didn't matter. So long as Father loved me, so long as I was_ perfect _for him (because anything less than perfection was unacceptable, for both myself and for Father) so long as I had that, nothing else mattered._

_So I screamed. I screamed at them that I never wanted to see their faces ever again. I hated them. I screamed that they were worthless, and they had betrayed me. As soon as they left, I turned and went back inside. I had a brother to find, but first, I needed to clean up._

* * *

 

Looking up at my brother now, I felt guilt immeasurable for the things I had done that night. The difference between then and now? I let myself feel the guilt, the remorse for what I had done. It wasn't Zuko's fault that Mother and Uncle had found him easier to love, and had never been. If anything, it was Father's fault because he rejected Zuko and molded me at both very early ages. Sometimes, I couldn't help but wonder what life would have been like without Father. Certainly, Mother would still be alive. Zuko wouldn't have the scar on his face, or the ones from That Night. And I… I never would have lost my mind before I even turned fifteen.

In an action that I think surprised us both, I reached up to gently draw back the collar of both Zuko's leather jacket, and of the t-shirt he wore underneath. Though not as angry and red as I had imagined, even after nearly four years this scar (and quite possibly the others as well) remained as a constant reminder of how horrifically I had lost my mind. I felt Zuko tense, when I softly ran my fingers over the physical evidence of my complete psychotic breakdown, but it was to his credit that he didn't pull or flinch away. Then I looked up at him, my golden gaze meeting his own, and whispered, "I'm sorry, Zuko." We both knew it wasn't enough, that it could and would never be enough, but I think we both also knew that I meant it. That I regretted my actions more than I could put into worlds.

The fact that I had called him Zuko and not Zuzu probably helped, too.

After a moment, he awkwardly responded that it was okay, that at least I was better now, and the moment was broken. Stepping close to us, Yue slipped her hand into Zuko's, and mentioned with a small, soft smile that we should probably be getting inside before it got even colder than it already was. As she and my brother made their way inside, for all of a moment, I felt the true coldness of the April night. Then I was nearly bowled over by a pink blur, and found my arms full of a sobbing Ty Lee. Though the hug I returned was awkward, it had warmth in it that I hadn't allowed myself to show her – or anyone I cared about – since we had all been children still.

Though she hung back, I could see a certain look in Mai's white-gold eyes. Though she would never express it, even now, I finally knew what she had meant That Night. She had said that she loved Zuko more than she feared me, but I hadn't understood, so I had simply taken her words as they were. Now… now I understood what she had meant. She had _never_ feared me; not then, and certainly not now. That said, she had indeed loved Zuko, but never in the way that we all thought. She loved him the same way I loved him; I had just never seen it until I feared it was too late. But the look she was giving me – equal parts exasperation, annoyance, and affection – one that only someone who had known her as long as I had could read, told me that it wasn't too late. That everything might just be okay.

"What, did you start the party without me, or something?"

I tensed just a bit again, but Ty Lee's embrace wouldn't have it. I knew that sarcastic, I-am-pretending-to-be-annoyed tone anywhere. Sure enough, there was Zhuo. She didn't look much different from the last time I had seen her, at the end of August (or had it been the beginning of September?) save that she looked a bit more tired. But I supposed that was to be expected. She was a sophomore in college, and from what I'd heard she was after a double major in Theology and Creative Writing, with a minor in Languages. Whether teaching them or just mastering the speech of more than she already spoke, I didn't know. She looked the same as ever; black knee-high boots, black skinny jeans, bright green Linkin Park t-shirt, black leather jacket. She wore her shoulder-length black hair open, rather than in the spiky ponytail it had been in the last time I had seen her, as she didn't like tying it back if she could avoid it. It was her only feminine trait, as far as I knew. I was surprised, however, when Mai took Zhuo's hand when she approached.

My shock must have shown on my face, something I was unaccustomed to. Ty Lee giggled, and then – equally surprisingly – pressed a kiss to my cheek. Though the pink-clad gymnast had always been affectionate, I felt that there was something… different in the action. I didn't have time to think about it, however, as she explained what was going on. Apparently, Mai and Zhuo had started dating casually just a month ago, but only Ty Lee. I could see why, and though I found myself happy for them, I found that I was feeling a bit sad as well. Thankfully, before I could work myself up (which was still happened at times) Ty Lee tugged me inside, the ravenette couple following. While it was warmer inside, I couldn't help but feeling the bitterness from before come back.

I'd burnt this place to ashes for a reason, but Father didn't care, which I should have expected. As we made our way down the front hallway, we passed a mirror which hung on the wall. I paused, and as had often been usual for us, the other three arrayed themselves around me. I took a quiet comfort in the natural action, even if I didn't say so.

Mai stood on my left and Ty Lee on my right, with Zhuo behind me because she was so tall. I was pale as always, though not the sickly pale I had been six months ago; my eyes were golden as ever, but they showed a peace I hadn't seen since I was very young. Ty Lee was grinning as always, just a shade more tanned than the rest of us; her grey eyes sparkled, as they never seemed to stop doing, but the slight traces of fear I remembered from four years ago were completely gone. Mai and Zhuo shared the same milky complexion; Zhuo's eyes held less gold than her girlfriend's did, but were also darker, stormier than Ty Lee's. Zhuo had never shown fear of me, but now any mask she may have worn was gone, even if she did seem more reserved than usual. And Mai… that small smile on her lips, to balance the smirk on her girlfriend's was enough. I saw four girls – four women, reflected back in that mirror. But that was just it. I saw four and _only_ four faces staring back at me.

My Mother was gone.

I remembered the first time I had seen her, wishing I could forget it. Fortunately, before I could find myself lost in another memory from That Night, Yue collaborated with Ty Lee to practically drag us upstairs. The room we ended up in was one that I hoped I could build new memories of. It was apparently a drawing room, and certainly Father called it that, but it usually ended up being used as more of a family room/living room/lounge area by our group. It was the one place that had even been remotely ours. Though that didn't change the fact that that there were more bad memories here than good, something I couldn't seem to forget, no matter how hard I tried. And then something struck me, something I should have realized from the moment I set foot inside this place again.

Father had had the mansion rebuilt exactly the same as the old one had been. That was why I couldn't shake the feelings I had had here before. That was why I felt like crying, just being here. Because even though it had been four years, even though I had done my best to never see this place again, even though I had burned it to the ground… Everything was still the same as ever, and it felt as if I would never escape. And yet, just before the memories and feelings and impressions of the past could suffocate me, drown me, send me spiraling back into madness, I felt a hand take my own. A more familiar hand fell to my shoulder - less awkwardly this time, a tiny rational part of my brain noted - and I forced myself to breath.

I looked to my left. Zhuo had grabbed my hand, but even when she looked away, the blush on her cheeks was still visible. Mai still held her other hand, while Ty Lee had taken possession of the knife mistress' free hand. (I couldn't help but wonder if Mai wore her knives at all times still, or if she had taken to not wearing them over the years.) As to the hand on my shoulder, from the warmth it exuded and from the comfortingly spicy scent which my current emotional state threatened to allow to envelop me, I knew it was Zuko without needing my sight to confirm it. Instead, I looked to the honey-tressed girl to his left, and felt glad that my brother had found someone to care for him in a romantic sense. Right across from myself, Yue and Ty Lee wore identical grins, as they closed the makeshift circle. No matter how cliché it was, no matter how sappy, no matter how much there had once been a time when I would have found this stupid and pathetic… Despite all that, I let my family - my _real_ family - hold me for a while.

Later, curled in my window seat, I stared at the moon over the Pacific. "No matter how many good memories I make, they will never replace all the pain…" I whispered. Tears streaked down my cheks as I cried for the first time in years (while sane). I couldn't help wishing the house around me had remained ash.

 _There's not enough rain in Oklahoma_  
_To wash the sins out of that house_  
_There's not enough wind in Oklahoma_  
_To rip the nails out of the past_

 _Shatter every window_  
_Till it's all blown away,_  
_Every brick, every board,_  
_Every slamming door_

 _Blown away_  
_Till there's nothing left standing,_  
_Nothing left of yesterday_  
_Every tear-soaked memory blown away,_  
_Blown away…_


End file.
